Well, once again it has been a while since I have blogged. Another birthday and Mother's Day came and went, and I was once again reminded that my body is not my own. I have been blessed with fertility and a large frame to hold tall babies. I am not blessed with a good immune system, so May has been full of colds, sickness, and a black eye that won't seem to heal. Apparently the little one isn't thrilled that he will be getting a BROTHER in September-ish. Or maybe he was just practicing beating up on someone. Happy Mother's Day.

Quality Time

Well, I just looked at my blog and realized its been almost 4 months...4 months!!!! Usually I try to post when I've had some sort of spiritual epiphany...but that doesn't always happen. I have had the honor of being asked to help with junior/senior ladies' leadership Bible study, and it is AMAZING!! I really miss challenging women and just living life with them while they are making some of the most important decisions about their lives (men, majors, careers, values, habits, etc). One of the things many of the girls seem to struggle with, as I do as well, is finding time and attitude to be with Jesus. Many of them have been to STP, and have a very strict quiet time schedule. While I agree that this is something crucial to your relationship with God, if we are doing it just because we are supposed to, the point is moot. When Michael and I first joined a couples' group at our church, we studied the 5 Love Languages book. Everyone shows and receives love in 5 basic categories, and we each prefer one or two ways of love. My top two are Acts of Service and Quality Time (why I LOVE doing hair :). Michael's are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Other options are Gifts and Physical Touch. Now, we all need all 5 of these, but we each have certain preferences for receiving and showing these types of love. It is extremely interesting to analyze relationships under this lense of the Love Languages. The real kicker, however, is thinking about how we show love to God. Acts of Service to God, for me, are pretty easy, as are Words of Affirmation. Gifts- I guess I could give my time, "give up" my physical possessions and use them for his glory (hellooooo spiritual gift of hospitality). Physical touch? Mehhhhhhhh...not so sure about that one. But Quality time, hmm.. I know if I don't spend at least a few hours a week just sitting on a couch with Michael, we feel disconnected. We don't have to say anything specific, we could just be sitting watching a movie or talking with friends, but if we don't, we feel like we're living in two different worlds. So how do we do that with God? I know Jesus is with me wherever I go, but its not like I FEEL Him with me. I could talk to God, pray continuously, but sometimes that makes me feel like I'm more alone than not talking. Maybe the key is listening? How do we listen to God? Even more, how do we get Him to talk? God speaks to us everyday, through His Word that He gave us hundreds of years ago- The Bible! Have you ever read the Bible just like you were listening to God? Not studying His words, not memorizing them, not feeling like you have to come away with an epiphany or life-changing moment? Just spend some quality time with God. Listen, and enjoy :)

busyness

Have you ever noticed that when you ask someone, "Hey, how are you doing?" one of the most common responses is, "Good...busy". Does that mean that life is good because you are busy? Or life is good, except that you're busy? In business, as in most of our lives, we equate being busy with being successful and profitable. Which is true...most of the time. With my job, if I am booked up, that means we can pay our loans off even faster, or buy Si that extra formula he's gobbling up, or go visit the grandparents one more time. But I've realized there is more to life than money (what a concept! duhr). I have been realizing that I almost compulsively have to be multi-tasking in order to feel like I can get everything done. I am running laundry, serving customers, keeping and ear and eye on Si (yes, even when he's fast asleep I sometimes peek at the monitor ;), running dishes, making food for all of us. Even while I would watch tv I would be responding to texts about scheduling appointments and writing notes to myself about what is next. Well, NO MORE busyness for me! This month, Michael and I have given up TV. The last time we did this, we got Simon, so I hope it doesn't happen again this soon, but I think it'll be fun. There are concerts at the park, farmer's markets to wander, pool time (free at the new neighborhood!!), friend time, oh yeah and the fully booked work schedule the next month :P

It is very interesting to me being in the company of different women at different times, especially those that are stay-at-home moms. When in mixed company and asked what they do, many respond, "Well I USED to....". But, when in the company of only other stay-at-home moms, they respond, "Well I'm at home with the kids...why, do you work?!?!" You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all! Darned if you don't work, darned if you do.

So for now, my goal is to not be busy. To have actually quiet, quiet times, instead of multi-tasking reading Bible times. My goal is to have life be good, in spite of the fact that it may be busy, and have it only be good the less busy I get.

Mother's Day

Well, as you all know, Mother's Day was a week ago Sunday. My whole life I have celebrated my birthday close to this "holiday". You see, in the Hamman clan, we celebrate birthday clumped together, usually around March, July, and October, and then get together for other holidays such as Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Since I've been away at college, the number of attendees is growing- 2 new cousins, 2 new spouses, in-laws, boyfriends, girlfriends, the works. So my birthday would get thrown in either with the March birthdays or the Mother's Day celebration. At Mother's Day, my dad would get my mom and grandmas bunches of flowers and we would go to church, and that was about it (until the big family celebration, of course). Well this year I wasn't home to get flowers or go to church, or go to the big family party. Michael did a great job of celebrating my birthday, buying traditional birthday muffins, a small gift, and a date out without the kiddo (among always celebrating birthdays for months at a time :P). Since he had gone out and done the yard on Saturday, come Sunday he was bedridden with a huge allergy attack. I made him breakfast in bed, took care of the little man who wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and was all-around cranky, and had been since Wednesday (yayyyyy teething! :(

Have you ever experienced something in which you have expectations that you never even knew you had? A lot of women experience it when dating "the guy", or with the wedding. You start to realize he's the one, and then you realize he's not at all what you had expected, but you didn't realize you had a type in your head. Or you start planning the wedding, and you realize it isn't at all the kind of wedding you envisioned since you were a little girl. Expectations. Hidden expectations are the worst. For some reason I thought I would get breakfast in bed, some sentimental "mommy" gift like the ones I got when I was pregnant, and lots of alone time and affection with my guys. Instead, I was contantly making food for both of them (sarcastic yayyyy for homemade baby food and a sicky baby), cleaning up after them, and left to fend for myself for the day. We didn't even make it to church to get a flower!

And then I realized...this is what Motherhood is about. This is what Mother's Day is about. I don't get that gushy mushy feeling when I think about holding my baby. I don't think birth was the ultimate woman experience. I don't think breastfeeding is always always the best option. I don't think it makes you more of a woman to have had your kids "naturally". I love my husband, and I love my child. And because of the love I have for my husband, we have a child. Raising a kid is hard. And not just "oh you lose sleep, you'll never get your body back, its expensive". Those are true, but that's not it. True motherhood is losing yourself without losing yourself. Becoming a mother means that any time of day, you will give up your desires for what is best for the kid. Just like marriage- ideally marriage is getting up every day to serve your spouse over yourself. Not a lot of people see it that way, and sure, hopefully your husband won't wake you up in the middle of the night and scream until you get him some food. But what if he did?

So happy Mother's Day out there, all you women everywhere. May you sacrifice and love on your children every day of the year, and not have any expectations on getting anything in return. That, is true motherhood. That....is true love.

The Butterfly Effect

Well, it has been another few months of craziness. March was spent in California, sick, and then a trip to Kansas. Wedding season has begun, little bean started eating "real" food, and I have been trying to catch up with my clientele as well as taking on new clients (yikes, shouldn't have let that one out!). Today I was supposed to go volunteer at the office of the camp I worked at in 2007, but it didn't work out. It's nice to take a day off to "just" be a mom. We got to run errands, make more baby food, have lots of play time, and got some snuggles in around naps. It's so nice to not have to look at the clock for a whole day, just pay attention to the little man's cues for when he's hungry, tired, excited, etc. It makes me feel so confident to know that I graduated college with a degree I use everyday, then went on to conquer the schooling and tests that allow me to consult others on beauty and many aspects of healthy living, which I thrive and cherish. But God is the one who made me a mom. Because of my love for my husband, God gave us a child. Michael and I are always reminding each other how glad we are that we found each other so young- by the time we are our grandparents' age, we will have been married for 58 years (Lord willing we will be alive that long)! And now that we are greatly preparing for retirement, hopefully in about 20 years, we realize our oldest son will be in college and we will still have another 35 years before getting to that 80 year mark :) What a joy!

Lately, I was told a wonderful metaphor by a dear friend who is hoping to leave in the next few years to do ministry work in Japan (with twins on the way, yikes!). She told me that, as all DNA, a caterpillar's DNA is the same from the time they are in a cocoon as when they are caterpillar as when they are butterflies. As such, God has given us a plan for our lives to be His daughter or son. A caterpillar cannot "see" his DNA, just like we cannot see where or how we will end up. We cannot look at other people's DNA and know where or how they will end up. But, just like DNA, there is absolutely nothing that we can do to fall into or out of grace with our Heavenly Father, just like there is nothing we can do to change our DNA (well, for now, science is getting creepy). Isn't that absolutely beautiful?

At the Women's Day that Si and I attended a few weeks ago, they gave a talk about condemnation versus conviction. We agreed that condemnation is done by other people and ourselves, and is not from God. Conviction can be by others, God, ourselves, along with the Holy Spirit, to spur us on to be better WITHIN God's love. The only one who can truly condemn us is God after we have passed away or when Jesus comes back. Just like our DNA, we should not feel guilty, proud, ashamed, or arrogant about ourselves, because the good and the bad all come from and bring glory to God alone. DNA.

When we had the wonderful time to get together with family last month, it was very interesting to just watch people and talk. Michael's grandfather passed away, something we were very excited about. Now let me explain, normally we don't get excited about death, but we were so excited FOR him. He had worked on a farm his whole adult life, and wanted to die on that farm. A few years ago, he suffered an accident that caused hospitalization and selling the farm (at the farm auction! if you haven't experienced one yet...you should! Oh boy). It has been about 2 years- he does not have his pigs or crops or farm or farmhouse. He couldn't live with his wife. His kids live all over the country. He lived to see pictures of his grandkids' first wedding, and got to meet his first blood great-grandson. His body was failing, his mind was wandering, and Jesus was calling him home. It was time to take a look at his DNA. Now, since we have faith and Merle talked about his faith quite often, we believe he is in a much better place, partying with Jesus, and we believe we know how to get there someday as well. But, what if we don't? If there really is nothing we can do to get in or out, then how do you know? A bunch of Merle's kids (he had 7!) claim to believe in some sort of God, pray with us, go to church when they are visiting, and are generally good people. Some of the family spent much of the weekend feeling sorry for the rest of the family, because they "had no faith". But when one of the sons who does not take part in religion got up to speak at his father's funeral, he said he knew he would see his dad again someday. Some scoffed. Some feared for the son. I'm not so sure. We can pull verses out of the Bible and quote scripture, but ultimately, it comes down to God. We don't know what the next 5 minutes holds, let alone how we will all "read" when it is time. Only God knows our hearts, and only God knows our DNA. It is up to us to let His beauty come out and become the butterfly He created us to be.

mummyhood

Well, as I remembered that I do indeed have a blog, I started looking through my previous posts. The last post, about yelling at people? Yeah that was the day that my water broke and I gave birth to our son. Yikes! So, I do apologize for all the negativity surrounding the past 9 months. Its crazy what can take over your heart if you let it :/

As such, lately I have been focusing on God as my father, my abba, my "dada". In the past few months, our little munchy has started not only smiling, but laughing! After he is fed and changed, he gets the cutest little grin on his face... at his mom, the palm tree, the fan, and ceiling lights. He delights in looking at the tree in his bedroom. And thus, we delight SO much in him! Michael and I are convinced that babies really rule the world without us knowing. He makes one little noise and we mimick him. He smiles, so we smile back. And yet, I can't help but thinking that this must be how it is with our heavenly father. We smile and laugh and are entertained by the dumbest things. He has a whole world, a whole life for us, better than we could ever imagine. And yet we giggle at lights and ceiling fans thinking it is just the greatest blessing. We have no. idea.

Shout it out

Have you ever just wanted to scream? At people? I personally am not a loud person- sure, I talk firmly, but pretty much never yell. Friends and family yell at bad drivers, at neighbors, at kids to get their attention. I can't be loud. But, this pregnancy has changed me in many ways. Now I WANT to yell sometimes. I've been more honest with people that I've ever been in my life, sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. My mom says I'm being sassy. My husband says I'm just being honest. I think it comes from some sort of instinctual need to protect my young who cannot speak for himself. or. something like that. :P But the most noticeable thing I want to shout from the rooftops is that "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!". When we're shopping in a store and someone gets mad at the person working the cash register, so much so that they leave their child stranded in a cart...does it really matter? Sometimes I want to scream at myself, too. When I worry too much about what others think and how they will interact with our little family, or big family, or how to be sensitive to this person, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

So, then, what does matter? What, if anything, is worth screaming for? How do you see someone struggling with something that doesn't matter, and help them, for them? How do you help them, not for yourself? If someone is believing lies from this world, but it isn't IMMEDIATELY or PHYSICALLY hurting, is it even our job to help? Is that what God calls us to, or does He call us to lead the person closer to Him so that He can correct the path? And what if it is more serious- what if a person is believing lies from the world that are pulling a blanket over their eyes, interfering with their immediate interactions with the world, possibly ruining relationships and his or her future? What about ourselves, our spouses, our children? Is it our duty, then, to speak out?

I am fully convinced that we are called to speak in truth to one another, even when it hurts, even to ourselves. When we do not bring up problems, they only get bigger, and NEVER go away by themselves. But we can't just shout it out. But we can't merely whisper to ourselves or our closest friends. We head straight on, direct course to the person, and hear their heart, with our minds and our own hearts.