the perfect gentleman

Well, I've found him. I have the most perfect gentleman. As Valentine's Day is quickly approaching, I hear from women all over the place that I am so lucky that I have found a great Christian man. Yes, I have found him and he has found me. But that's not what I'm talking about. While we're trying to plan the rest of our lives together, the marriage, and the big party to celebrate, the wedding, it's easy to lose focus of my first true love, my one and only true, true love. His love is perfect. His love is kind. He is not envious. He does not boast, and is not proud. He is not rude, nor self-seeking. He does not easily anger, nor keep records of all the many things I've done wrong. My gentleman does not delight in evil or pain, but is super excited about truth, and love, and everything truly good for us. My gentleman protects me physically as well as emotionally, trusts me even through the worst times, hopes for the best future, and never gives up on me. (1 Corinthians 13). My gentleman always craves to spend time with me. He wants to shower me with love, affection, give me gifts, and do acts of service. He walks on clouds for me, builds mountains and breaks oceans for me. He always shows up when I need him, and waits when I feel like I don't need him. I see him everywhere, in everything that is good, perfect, peaceful, and joyful. I see him when suffering and when ecstatic. I can share him, and sometimes ask him to be with my friends, and still I know he loves me the most. My perfect gentleman is the son of my God, He saved my life, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life. Happy Valentine's Day, my true love, my Jesus :D

cha-cha-cha-changes

Well, as I'm now back in Colorado for my last semester at a University EVER, I find myself changing quite a bit. One of the reasons could possibly have something to do with the fact that Michael and I are now engaged!!! :D :D :D I get to be a Hankins (no worries, Hammans, I'm not giving up on you), spend my life with my best friend and love, and walk through life following Jesus :D I mean seriously, nothing on earth could be better :D

So, Michael had asked me maybe in November if I wanted to go see this snow sculpture festival with him in Breckenridge. We tried to go last year, but just barely missed it. So we put it on the calendar, and waited. Over Christmas, he had "the talk" with my dad, and it went surprisingly well! When he picked me up from the airport in Denver, we stopped at a ring shop to look at a few rings, but mostly so that I could be sized (yeah, after 14 months, he's still sizing me up :P). We were supposed to go to Breck on Saturday the 17th, but knowing me, I was sick. I didn't know if that was supposed to be the day he was going to ask or not, but I didn't want to ruin it if it was!! He was very good to me, came and took care of me and got me all better before that very evening. The next day, we headed to Breck! Usually, when we go on road trips, we don't listen to music or anything, just talk and laugh and enjoy the sights :) Not so much this trip, he had put a whole bunch of Michael Buble songs on his new ipod (thanks to mom and dad for Christmas!) and we listened the entire way up. Once we got there, we were driving around for parking and saw huge blocks of snow...that had not been sculptured. Apparently Michael had looked it up earlier that week and found out they wouldn't be carved until the next week, but decided we should go anyway. Thankfully, I was trying to be good and didn't research the festival or anything :P Anyway, we found parking and started walking around, and, like my usual, I started shivering and shaking because it was so cold. He was walking around looking for the river walk, but my body was insisting we stop for lunch somewhere inside and warm. It was a funny walk looking for something to eat, but I thought he was just frustrated with me being cold and neither of us knowing where to eat. We found a great place, had a great lunch (although he was somewhat quiet, but I attributed it to other reasons). Once we got out of lunch, I asked, "So...what are we going to do all day now that there's no sculptures?". He suggested we walk around and look at the shops and such, and find that darn river walk. We started walking, and found a giant pile of snow that had been plowed. I had never seen a pile of snow so huge, so I asked that he take my picture in front of it. He suggested we take pictures on the bridge right next to it. I suggested he take my picture in front of the snow first. He suggested we go to the bridge first. He abliged, took the picture, then we walked onto the bridge. It was cute, had a little overhang thing, and was still decorated for the holidays with a wreath and lights. He said "Well..." and backed away from me and unzipped his jacket. I thought he was crazy, or trying to give me his coat or something even though I was finally not cold. Then...he proposed! Neither of us really remembers what he said, but he got down on one knee and everything :D I gave him my hand, he put on the ring, then we started hugging and smiling lots :D About 5 minutes later, I said, "Hey, I just realized I never gave you an answer.... of course!!" and we were engaged :D We laughed and talked and grinned quite a bit, then found a nice sunny spot to call family and friends. I am so overjoyed to be committed to the most wonderful man in the world. There will be hard times, and there will be glorious times. I look forward to them both with Michael James Hankins, and I look forward to becoming Kristin Jeanette Hankins :D

Per some of your request, here is a picture of the ring. He did an absolutely great job!! About 2 months ago I sent him pictures of a variety of rings and told him what I liked and didn't like about each one, what I needed functionality-wise, etc (he didn't look at them, of course, until after he talked to dad...what respect!!). My mom was generous enough to send her engagement ring and my great grandma Brooks' ring for him to check out. He was able to use the stone from grandma Brooks' ring to create one that is just perfect for me and us!! The picture just doesn't do it (or us) justice, so you should check it out in person sometime :)

Me and the GIANT pile of snow.
The happy couple on the bridge right after he proposed :D before she accepted. hehe
Beautiful Breckenridge, Colorado!

We sat down and started planning, signed up for an amazing pre-marital class at our church, Woodmen Valley Chapel. We are to be married the afternoon of Saturday, October 3, 2009, at my home church, Voyagers Bible Church's new chapel! We're still looking for a place for the reception, but most of the details will be hammered down in March when we are in CA. Thanks for all your love and support!!

opportunity costs

It's an economic term talking about decision-making. Everything has an opportunity cost. If I choose to eat pasta for dinner, the opportunity cost is that I will NOT eat rice. If I live in a house, the cost is that I am NOT living in an apartment. This is quite simple, as you can imagine, but let's take it and combine it with faith. If I choose to date or marry, the cost of doing so is having faith to never date anyone else ever again. Jesus encouraged us in the New Testament to not follow blindly, but weigh the cost of following Him, then making our decision. I believe this is true for most other decisions, such as where to go to church or school, who to date, lifestyle choices, jobs, values, priorities, etc. But what about those decisions we do not make ourselves? For example, my life is at a crossroads with about 15 different possible paths. I will start looking for a job, but where/when/how/how long are all unbeknownst to me right now. I know I NEED a job, that God IS faithful to provide the money we need, and that everything will work out in its PERFECT timing. But, with that being said, how do I decide what to do in the meantime? Many people believe unwavering faith, trusting God for big things, means waiting on God. I can have the most faith in the world but still not get the right job unless I apply (okay God CAN make it happen anyway, but you get the gist). If I don't apply to graduate, I can't graduate, no matter the options God reveals to me. So, I believe following God requires being open to His words (reading the Bible for myself, praying for guidance and specific instruction), doing the work to gain possibilities (applying, networking, sending out my resume, looking for open doors), listening for insight from others (specifically those who advise me spiritually and personally), and being open to consider out-of-the-blue possibilities. There is an issue, however, that comes up concerning opportunity costs, miracles, and plans. Today in church, Gary was going through Proverbs 3:1-6, that talks about wisdom. He came to the realization that miracles are not gifts to us or huge viewings of God's glory; miracles are a glimpse of God returning to His intentioned state of the world. I like that, but I also don't. It's like a train-- we are on a set path, walking with God, when all of a sudden there's a track switch. We're still on a set path, walking with God, but it's just not the path we expected at that juncture. But, what's to say what is a miracle versus just plain life? When women give birth it is called a miracle, but when they lose a baby it is a tragedy. When someone is healed from a disease, it is a miracle, but when they get sick it is a nightmare. This sounds absolutely terrible, but think about it for a moment; who are we to determine what is a miracle versus what is something that is a part of God's plan for our lives and will cause great growth towards Him? Today after a wonderful nap I woke up to a clip from the movie "Little Miss Sunshine" when the uncle remembered a saying that the times with the most pain are the times that grow us the most. To fast foward through high school, the greatest tragedy... now.. that's a lot of growth to miss. I'm not saying we should jump for joy if we are diagnosed with a disease, nor that we should mourn when there is new life or healing. But rather, why not view each path as a way to get closer to God, to grow spiritually/emotionally/physically, and to become. That Existential Psychology class was a strange one, but one thing we talked about was authentic becoming. The definition is when we set goals that we wish to attain, then work to achieve those goals. For maximum benefit, these goals should be just at our outer limits of our abilities, something of interest to us, on the road to becoming who we want to be, that agrees with our cultural worldview and our personal values and ethics. My personal goal is to walk with God, to follow Him, to be more like Him, to serve Him through loving others, and to be a light to the world, sharing the love of Christ through my actions. In order to become me, then, I need to set goals that are challenging but realistic. That does not mean that my goals will be a timeline, a specific job, a specific family, or location. This means that wherever I am, my goal is to know Jesus, be more like Him, and make Him known. Through sickness, engagement, final months of school, and life, I will not try to merely be better, healthier, more productive, but to focus on God wherever He is leading me. As someone who has had health problems for many, many years, this just hit me like a huge load of bricks. Instead of being so focused on finding out what is wrong and getting it fixed, maybe God is trying to help me become along the way. Instead of being frustrated by appointments, maybe God wants me there that day to minister to the secretary. Instead of being angered by pricks and prodding, maybe my smile will help lead a nurse to Christ. Now coming back to opportunity cost... By going to a doctor's office, I am not able to hang out with a student, I know that. But, the cost of going to the doctor does not mean lack of ministry, it just means a transfer of ministry.

I've been reading through the book of Joshua since I've been in California, and a few days ago this verse stuck out to me. Joshua 7: 7, "And Joshua said, 'Ah, Sovereign LORD, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us? If only we had been content to stay on the other side of the Jordan!'" Basically, God called Joshua to follow Him and bring the people. They were getting antsy for their calling from God, so God brought them across the Jordan, and just so happened to be into the arms of the Amorites who were their enemies. I don't know about you, but I can definitely relate. I want God to use me, to move in my life. But when God says "no" or "wait", I am okay for a while, but then want to GO where God wants me. When I do finally get somewhere, it is easy to want to go back to the comfortable place where I was antsy. Hindsight is 20/20, they say. But, we cannot go back. So instead of wishing to go back, we must trust in the Lord, not that He will bring us out of the place of the Amorites, but that He has us right where He wants us, for our benefit and so we can become. Ouch, right? We must not only look to where God wants us, but to look for opportunities right where He has us, especially when we particularly do not want to be there. Look for the growth in the pain, look for the growth during high school.

Michael and I have been going through a book called "Before You Get Engaged" by David Gudgel, Brent Gudgel, and Danielle Fitch. Tonight I used my alone time after quiet time to read a few chapters, one of which was about whether or not you're better together than you are apart. Now, many people think if someone complements the other that means they have fun together or like the same foods. True complements, however, makeup what the other lacks. This not only means we must mesh with the other person, but that we must also have weaknesses. Ironic, hm? Only two imperfect people can make up a perfect couple. In the chapter that talks about communication, they talk about how 90% of conversations are easy-- but that last 10% is the hardest for any of us to share. That 10% is our personal beliefs, feelings, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities. Jesus covers our sin and our shortcomings, which is the only thing that allows us to even begin to interact with and complement another human being. The only way those two humans can complement each other is if they both believe in God and are moving towards the same authentic becoming, as individuals and as a singular unit in Christ. Amazing, hmm? It just blows my mind how God designed everything to work in perfect harmony, and that even while we are no where near to perfect, it all still works better than we could imagine.

And finally, after reading that passage in church today, it reminded me that God directs our paths through the good times and the bad. Many people turn to Proverbs 3:5-6 during hard times "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Other versions say, "in all your ways submit to Him and He will direct your paths." So comforting. As I continue this journey, moving toward another set of humans (a family really :) I remember to trust God in BIG ways, with everything, exclusively. I remember that I know nothing and deserve nothing. I remember to give glory to God in everything, submitting to God, and therefore, Michael and other leaders, in everything. I remember to let my paths be directed, and to follow His directions. Thank you, Lord, that you are my constant gardener, who never leaves me, and who gives me miracles daily, even when I do not recognize them. Amen, and amen.

i just sneezed

Ouch! As some of you know, I had nose surgery last week. Recovery has been remarkably quick, getting lots of rest, catching up on my TLC and HDTV shows, crushed ice, and antibiotics. I didn't get terribly bruised, which was a nice surprise. And the best part? I've been able to enjoy Golden Spoon (frozen yogurt) with my parents again :) Christmas is quickly approaching, and it's easier to remember the reason for the season when I can't see all the fake santas, fake snowmen (bc I'm in CA), lights, presents, overcrowded parking lots, and Christmas lights on the palm trees (sadly enough, that's what makes it feel like Christmas for me). I've realized this holiday season that stress isn't an excuse for our actions, stress is a magnification of our true selves. Sorry for the psychological mumbo jumbo, one of my classes dealt with existential issues and it's had my mind reeling for months. But really, people shouldn't say "sorry, excuse my actions, we're stressed". We should say "this is me, I'm stressed". We each have a certain threshold, called our "cognitive load". That is, we can each have a certain amount of stuff rolling around in our brains, whether concious or subconcious. One theory talks about how women are stuck on our looks, how if we dress in a bikini we will do worse on a math test than if we dress in a sweater; this is because our mind is subconciously freaking out, monitoring our looks, while our concious tries to work out math problems. During this holiday season, our schedules tell more about us than anything else. Our stress and our reactions are like a looking glass to our soul. Wow, that sounds really deep, but it's not. For example, I get really stressed when people are relying on me for something, and for some reason I can't follow through. One example clear in my mind is when Michael and Bryson were visiting CA and wanted to go to Disneyland. Farrel came over early, and we were trying to get extra cheap tickets for us poor college students. For some reason, the website wasn't working, we couldn't get the cheap discount, and Farrel really wanted to go. If it was up to me, I would have gotten the ticket weeks ago, but I had been waiting on the discount package from my dad. I would have checked the website the night before, but they convinced me to just do it in the morning, enjoy the evening at the beach. Well, I got really stressed and kept running around, calling people, checking different computers, trying to get it to work. That's my nature; I'm realiable, I get things done, I enable people to do stuff they want, usually for cheap. I use what I have, know people's needs and wants, and connect the two; it's what I do, it's who I am. So, true to form, this Christmas I finished my shopping before Thanksgiving, made full use of free shipping, and had everything ready before I got here and before surgery. Thinking about this made me realize how much balance there is in this world.

On the airplane I read the second book in the "Love and Respect" series. It talks about how men have a natural and innate NEED for respect, and how women have the same NEED for love. More importantly, it talks about how to express these needs, and how to meet the needs of the partner. This particular book talks about communication, and how our differences balance out due to our natural needs and talents. Women, in general, have this instinct. Men, in general, have insight. This explains why many men and women get into a "discussion" in which women start talking about problems during their day, men start trying to solve the problem, they both get upset. Thankfully Michael and I weren't built like most typical woman and man, but still, we both understand the need to be heard, to be vulnerable to say, and to realistically solve problems. This natural give and take in relationships, just how we were each individually made, and how things turn out make me think about how much balance there is in nature. This sounds silly, but even how we drink milk with cookies, adding protein so we can break down the sugars, how food nourishes the body, breaks it down to build us up. I'm constantly amazed at how this world is arranged, and I wonder how people can learn about science, nature, the environment, people, social systems, and not believe in a higher being. People criticize that this world is too random to be arranged, but what if the vastness is so vast that it couldn't be random? A friend came up with a few theories about random numbers, and even found that "randomized" numbers are never random. Maybe events aren't random either. Just a thought.

Okay well I guess it's time for some more ice and maybe a nap. A quick update: I'm in CA until January 9, then crazy busy until finals end March 13 (assuming I finish my online class when I want), spring break with navs in CA, then probably stay in CA for as long as I can (probably about a month), head back to Colorado to find a job, get everything ready at the house, graduation hopefully with most of the family coming to visit, and start my life as a graduate. That's about it for now, I'm sure this post hasn't made any sense at all, but that's okay. Merry Christmas! Unto us a Child is born, unto us a Savior is given. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Prince of Peace. Amen :)

a wonderful place

Well, as I'm sitting here wasting time, I realize I'm at an absolutely wonderful place in my life. With all these changes that have taken place in the past year, and all the wonderous changes that will probably take place in the next year, I'm really at a great place in my life :) Sure, that doesn't mean things are going as planned or everything is hunky-dory, but I'm joyful. Really joyful. I have a wonderful room in a wonderful house with wonderful roomies. I have a wonderful/handsome boyfriend with a wonderful family (well, we'll see about the rest of the family next week ;) eek!). I am in an amazing Bible study, am well on my way to graduating, have a potential career I REALLY enjoy and can make a lifelong profession and lifestyle. Sure, I've been in bed with food poisoning for the past week, sure there is a lot of unknown with some family and friends' health issues, and sure, I'm 1000 miles away from those who love me the most. But you know what? I'm joyful. I have a Father who loves me and cherishes me and takes care of my NEEDS. The difference between a need and a want is the intent of the result. A need results in upkeep, maintenence, filling a hole. A want goes beyond that. I do not have all that I want or desire, but because my God gives me my needs, I have everything I could want :) Especially these days with the economy, I think it's easy to forget that. Even this past week I've started looking for a job in Colorado, pretty much anything that pays, to work May 1-August 15ish. It's easy to get frustrated with the economy, that I can't find a job that would be enjoyable AND fulfilling financially. But, I remember that I have more than I could ask for.

Well, that's it for now I guess. One week from right now I will (hopefully) be in Kansas, celebrating a wonderful woman's birthday :) and then maybe shlopping it in pig poop, or walking around an old folks' home. We shall see, we shall see.

it's beginning to look a lot like...

Well, I'm not sure what. The holidays are quickly approaching, and I'm not going home to California. Family and friends are distraught, but I know it will be okay :D They will be okay, I will be okay. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm almost done with Christmas shopping. Crazy, I know, I know, especially since it's not yet Thanksgiving. But, I'm having nose surgery the day after I get home, and I'll be bruised until Christmas, so better prepared than scaring people in public, aye? I'm hoping to get lots of movie time in with my Gramsie and Farrel.

More exciting news, I finished all my busywork homework and three out of my four projects for the semester. Basically, I'm done with homework until December. I'm trying to finish everything before Senioritis sets in. Speaking of Seniors... I am one! I got my schedule pounded out for next semester, and I'm going to take a Winterim (one week, watching movies and writing papers), an online critical thinking class, a computer class, and a Women/Aging Gerontology class... all that, and I'll be done by March!! I'm thinking take a bunch of friends home for Spring break, send them back on an airplane, and enjoy a few weeks of rest at home with my Gramsie, poolside, without a care in the world, before I'm thrown into the real world. Speaking of the real world, I'm hoping to find a job in the Springs for April-Octoberish. Something that pays well so that I can keep my savings up while I'm in Cosmetology school here in the Springs. If you know of anyone or anything, please don't hesitate to let me know :) Well, sorry I didn't update more, I'm off to clean a bit for my hot date in tomorrow. Almost a year, being vulnerable, and growing immensely as an individual, a girlfriend, and a child of God :D

the good times, and the in-between times

Well, school is in full force now. We started mid-terms this week. Now, for all you Californians, I know that must sound crazy because most of you just started school last week. I've been in school for a month and two weeks now!! Anyway, my schedule is pretty settled and it's nice to have routine. Bible study is all set up and going extremely, extremely well! There are 2 nurse-graduates, me and Chelsea (seniors), and 4 junior transfer students, and it's amazing!! After Bible study and before Navs, we hang out and get grub somewhere, and it's just amazing to see God moving in their lives, and through me. Last night one of the girls started talking about relationships (something I love to study and talk about), and she wants to keep meeting one-on-one :D Thank you, Lord! I finally feel that I'm in my place in school, Navs, the house, life, and with my walk with God. The only thing that's missing is family :/ I'm starting to get REALLY homesick, and I won't be able to go home until Christmas. I miss hanging out with aunts and uncles every weekend. I miss being able to hang out with my dad and go to sports or the movies or the beach. I'm missing out on my cousins' lives. Two of them are under the age of 4, and I've seen them maybe 3 or 4 times since they were born. Colorado sure is amazing, and I believe it's where God wants me, but it sure is getting hard thinking about the future without my family nearby.

One comfort, though, is my Michael. Yesterday we celebrated 10 wonderful months of dating :D He cares for me, cherishes me, communicates with me, and treats me absolutely great. He's smart and funny and outdoorsy and creative, and tall, dark, and handsome ;) with glasses (for now)! I can even wear heels and he's still taller than I am! What a treat! I laugh sometimes when I think of how far we, and I , have come. Almost exactly a year ago, a friend called me up and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. A bunch of us from leadership always went to dinner together Tuesdays, so of course I said sure. We decided where we wanted to go, and when, he said he would pick me up, and then he hung up. GUlp. I always drove myself, and other people! It was a date. It totally was. I couldn't cancel because he was a really good friend. So, I tried to think about other things, and tried to stall conversations as soon as he picked me up. When we sat down, he told me how wonderful I was and how much he loved spending time with me, and waited for my response. I was sort of waiting on another guy at that point, so I told him that. Ouch. 2 months of extreme "we can't be friends" to "we can't be good friends but I still want to know how you are" to "its ok to hang out in groups, just not small groups" to "maybe you should reconsider and get back to me" to "okay, Michael, I'm open to trying it" after much conversation and soul-searching and deliberation with God. And here we are today :D almost 4 months total of us individually in Asia (him over Christmas to visit his sister in Taiwan, me in Japan the whole summer) and we're going strong. :D Oh man, I could go on for days about this man.

God is good, in the good times and the bad. God reigns.