busyness

Have you ever noticed that when you ask someone, "Hey, how are you doing?" one of the most common responses is, "Good...busy". Does that mean that life is good because you are busy? Or life is good, except that you're busy? In business, as in most of our lives, we equate being busy with being successful and profitable. Which is true...most of the time. With my job, if I am booked up, that means we can pay our loans off even faster, or buy Si that extra formula he's gobbling up, or go visit the grandparents one more time. But I've realized there is more to life than money (what a concept! duhr). I have been realizing that I almost compulsively have to be multi-tasking in order to feel like I can get everything done. I am running laundry, serving customers, keeping and ear and eye on Si (yes, even when he's fast asleep I sometimes peek at the monitor ;), running dishes, making food for all of us. Even while I would watch tv I would be responding to texts about scheduling appointments and writing notes to myself about what is next. Well, NO MORE busyness for me! This month, Michael and I have given up TV. The last time we did this, we got Simon, so I hope it doesn't happen again this soon, but I think it'll be fun. There are concerts at the park, farmer's markets to wander, pool time (free at the new neighborhood!!), friend time, oh yeah and the fully booked work schedule the next month :P

It is very interesting to me being in the company of different women at different times, especially those that are stay-at-home moms. When in mixed company and asked what they do, many respond, "Well I USED to....". But, when in the company of only other stay-at-home moms, they respond, "Well I'm at home with the kids...why, do you work?!?!" You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all! Darned if you don't work, darned if you do.

So for now, my goal is to not be busy. To have actually quiet, quiet times, instead of multi-tasking reading Bible times. My goal is to have life be good, in spite of the fact that it may be busy, and have it only be good the less busy I get.

Mother's Day

Well, as you all know, Mother's Day was a week ago Sunday. My whole life I have celebrated my birthday close to this "holiday". You see, in the Hamman clan, we celebrate birthday clumped together, usually around March, July, and October, and then get together for other holidays such as Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Since I've been away at college, the number of attendees is growing- 2 new cousins, 2 new spouses, in-laws, boyfriends, girlfriends, the works. So my birthday would get thrown in either with the March birthdays or the Mother's Day celebration. At Mother's Day, my dad would get my mom and grandmas bunches of flowers and we would go to church, and that was about it (until the big family celebration, of course). Well this year I wasn't home to get flowers or go to church, or go to the big family party. Michael did a great job of celebrating my birthday, buying traditional birthday muffins, a small gift, and a date out without the kiddo (among always celebrating birthdays for months at a time :P). Since he had gone out and done the yard on Saturday, come Sunday he was bedridden with a huge allergy attack. I made him breakfast in bed, took care of the little man who wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and was all-around cranky, and had been since Wednesday (yayyyyy teething! :(

Have you ever experienced something in which you have expectations that you never even knew you had? A lot of women experience it when dating "the guy", or with the wedding. You start to realize he's the one, and then you realize he's not at all what you had expected, but you didn't realize you had a type in your head. Or you start planning the wedding, and you realize it isn't at all the kind of wedding you envisioned since you were a little girl. Expectations. Hidden expectations are the worst. For some reason I thought I would get breakfast in bed, some sentimental "mommy" gift like the ones I got when I was pregnant, and lots of alone time and affection with my guys. Instead, I was contantly making food for both of them (sarcastic yayyyy for homemade baby food and a sicky baby), cleaning up after them, and left to fend for myself for the day. We didn't even make it to church to get a flower!

And then I realized...this is what Motherhood is about. This is what Mother's Day is about. I don't get that gushy mushy feeling when I think about holding my baby. I don't think birth was the ultimate woman experience. I don't think breastfeeding is always always the best option. I don't think it makes you more of a woman to have had your kids "naturally". I love my husband, and I love my child. And because of the love I have for my husband, we have a child. Raising a kid is hard. And not just "oh you lose sleep, you'll never get your body back, its expensive". Those are true, but that's not it. True motherhood is losing yourself without losing yourself. Becoming a mother means that any time of day, you will give up your desires for what is best for the kid. Just like marriage- ideally marriage is getting up every day to serve your spouse over yourself. Not a lot of people see it that way, and sure, hopefully your husband won't wake you up in the middle of the night and scream until you get him some food. But what if he did?

So happy Mother's Day out there, all you women everywhere. May you sacrifice and love on your children every day of the year, and not have any expectations on getting anything in return. That, is true motherhood. That....is true love.

The Butterfly Effect

Well, it has been another few months of craziness. March was spent in California, sick, and then a trip to Kansas. Wedding season has begun, little bean started eating "real" food, and I have been trying to catch up with my clientele as well as taking on new clients (yikes, shouldn't have let that one out!). Today I was supposed to go volunteer at the office of the camp I worked at in 2007, but it didn't work out. It's nice to take a day off to "just" be a mom. We got to run errands, make more baby food, have lots of play time, and got some snuggles in around naps. It's so nice to not have to look at the clock for a whole day, just pay attention to the little man's cues for when he's hungry, tired, excited, etc. It makes me feel so confident to know that I graduated college with a degree I use everyday, then went on to conquer the schooling and tests that allow me to consult others on beauty and many aspects of healthy living, which I thrive and cherish. But God is the one who made me a mom. Because of my love for my husband, God gave us a child. Michael and I are always reminding each other how glad we are that we found each other so young- by the time we are our grandparents' age, we will have been married for 58 years (Lord willing we will be alive that long)! And now that we are greatly preparing for retirement, hopefully in about 20 years, we realize our oldest son will be in college and we will still have another 35 years before getting to that 80 year mark :) What a joy!

Lately, I was told a wonderful metaphor by a dear friend who is hoping to leave in the next few years to do ministry work in Japan (with twins on the way, yikes!). She told me that, as all DNA, a caterpillar's DNA is the same from the time they are in a cocoon as when they are caterpillar as when they are butterflies. As such, God has given us a plan for our lives to be His daughter or son. A caterpillar cannot "see" his DNA, just like we cannot see where or how we will end up. We cannot look at other people's DNA and know where or how they will end up. But, just like DNA, there is absolutely nothing that we can do to fall into or out of grace with our Heavenly Father, just like there is nothing we can do to change our DNA (well, for now, science is getting creepy). Isn't that absolutely beautiful?

At the Women's Day that Si and I attended a few weeks ago, they gave a talk about condemnation versus conviction. We agreed that condemnation is done by other people and ourselves, and is not from God. Conviction can be by others, God, ourselves, along with the Holy Spirit, to spur us on to be better WITHIN God's love. The only one who can truly condemn us is God after we have passed away or when Jesus comes back. Just like our DNA, we should not feel guilty, proud, ashamed, or arrogant about ourselves, because the good and the bad all come from and bring glory to God alone. DNA.

When we had the wonderful time to get together with family last month, it was very interesting to just watch people and talk. Michael's grandfather passed away, something we were very excited about. Now let me explain, normally we don't get excited about death, but we were so excited FOR him. He had worked on a farm his whole adult life, and wanted to die on that farm. A few years ago, he suffered an accident that caused hospitalization and selling the farm (at the farm auction! if you haven't experienced one yet...you should! Oh boy). It has been about 2 years- he does not have his pigs or crops or farm or farmhouse. He couldn't live with his wife. His kids live all over the country. He lived to see pictures of his grandkids' first wedding, and got to meet his first blood great-grandson. His body was failing, his mind was wandering, and Jesus was calling him home. It was time to take a look at his DNA. Now, since we have faith and Merle talked about his faith quite often, we believe he is in a much better place, partying with Jesus, and we believe we know how to get there someday as well. But, what if we don't? If there really is nothing we can do to get in or out, then how do you know? A bunch of Merle's kids (he had 7!) claim to believe in some sort of God, pray with us, go to church when they are visiting, and are generally good people. Some of the family spent much of the weekend feeling sorry for the rest of the family, because they "had no faith". But when one of the sons who does not take part in religion got up to speak at his father's funeral, he said he knew he would see his dad again someday. Some scoffed. Some feared for the son. I'm not so sure. We can pull verses out of the Bible and quote scripture, but ultimately, it comes down to God. We don't know what the next 5 minutes holds, let alone how we will all "read" when it is time. Only God knows our hearts, and only God knows our DNA. It is up to us to let His beauty come out and become the butterfly He created us to be.

mummyhood

Well, as I remembered that I do indeed have a blog, I started looking through my previous posts. The last post, about yelling at people? Yeah that was the day that my water broke and I gave birth to our son. Yikes! So, I do apologize for all the negativity surrounding the past 9 months. Its crazy what can take over your heart if you let it :/

As such, lately I have been focusing on God as my father, my abba, my "dada". In the past few months, our little munchy has started not only smiling, but laughing! After he is fed and changed, he gets the cutest little grin on his face... at his mom, the palm tree, the fan, and ceiling lights. He delights in looking at the tree in his bedroom. And thus, we delight SO much in him! Michael and I are convinced that babies really rule the world without us knowing. He makes one little noise and we mimick him. He smiles, so we smile back. And yet, I can't help but thinking that this must be how it is with our heavenly father. We smile and laugh and are entertained by the dumbest things. He has a whole world, a whole life for us, better than we could ever imagine. And yet we giggle at lights and ceiling fans thinking it is just the greatest blessing. We have no. idea.

Shout it out

Have you ever just wanted to scream? At people? I personally am not a loud person- sure, I talk firmly, but pretty much never yell. Friends and family yell at bad drivers, at neighbors, at kids to get their attention. I can't be loud. But, this pregnancy has changed me in many ways. Now I WANT to yell sometimes. I've been more honest with people that I've ever been in my life, sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. My mom says I'm being sassy. My husband says I'm just being honest. I think it comes from some sort of instinctual need to protect my young who cannot speak for himself. or. something like that. :P But the most noticeable thing I want to shout from the rooftops is that "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!". When we're shopping in a store and someone gets mad at the person working the cash register, so much so that they leave their child stranded in a cart...does it really matter? Sometimes I want to scream at myself, too. When I worry too much about what others think and how they will interact with our little family, or big family, or how to be sensitive to this person, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

So, then, what does matter? What, if anything, is worth screaming for? How do you see someone struggling with something that doesn't matter, and help them, for them? How do you help them, not for yourself? If someone is believing lies from this world, but it isn't IMMEDIATELY or PHYSICALLY hurting, is it even our job to help? Is that what God calls us to, or does He call us to lead the person closer to Him so that He can correct the path? And what if it is more serious- what if a person is believing lies from the world that are pulling a blanket over their eyes, interfering with their immediate interactions with the world, possibly ruining relationships and his or her future? What about ourselves, our spouses, our children? Is it our duty, then, to speak out?

I am fully convinced that we are called to speak in truth to one another, even when it hurts, even to ourselves. When we do not bring up problems, they only get bigger, and NEVER go away by themselves. But we can't just shout it out. But we can't merely whisper to ourselves or our closest friends. We head straight on, direct course to the person, and hear their heart, with our minds and our own hearts.

practice, practice, practice

Well, as we speak I have been having contractions on and off for the past 2 days. They don't hurt, they are just kind of interesting. But as long as they are working and doing what they are supposed to, I'm completely okay with that :) I'm realizing God has us practice for things when we least expect or know it...

Learning to listen and obey parents when we were little is definitely practice for listening and obeying God-- even though sometimes these days my parents' words and Gods seem to conflict. Making and continuing friendships over the years has been great practice for life, business, school, and now marriage. Being friends with guys has been great practice for dating, and dating, great practice for marriage (and dating my hubby within marriage!). Learning to finish homework (especially for online self-paced classes) is good practice for life-getting to-do lists done and finishing stuff around the house. Learning to be a part of someone else's family has been good practice welcoming new members to our family :) And now, being pregnant has been really good practice for marriage. And learning to wait for this labor thing has been really good practice for life in Godliness.

I'm not saying that having a baby is like following God...although maybe it is! God placed this child inside of me, and no matter how much Michael and I fought the idea of him, he was still there, just growing and taking what he needed from me :) Its amazing to think about. God provided the extra blood and oxygen and food supply for this little fellow, through me alone. But He did it. I think that's kind of how it is with our lives. God has a plan for each of us. Whether or not we know it or agree with it, he carefully picks and provides just what we need at each step, no matter how much we fight it or try to sabotage it. The life I am living in the world right now is in NO way how I envisioned my life at age 23. I imagined I would be back in California, going through the worst part of med school right now. I imagined I would be dating an athlete of some sort. I imagined not being terribly close with my brother, but with our extended family as before. Whew, God really can throw some curveballs. Instead, I am very happily married to the geek of my dreams, as a licensed cosmetologist, in Colorado Springs, pregnant with our first child, whom I will stay home with until he is in school. My brother and his WIFE live close by, while our extended family lives thousands of miles away and I get to see maybe twice a year. We have created our own little family. We have created our own little community. It changes constantly, but it is here and it is from God.

Speaking of being here... My wonderful husband just convinced me to call the doctor. We shall see what today brings, but we know that it will be perfect for us, and it will be just from God, kicking and screaming alike :)

How to make friends...and family

Well, its been another few months...time for another blog?!

There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time. I have been busy fighting my monsters, and I have the best teammates a girl could ask for :) God has defeated my enemies, except only the little ones in my own little head. I finally put aside my pride and trusted God and passed my practical Cosmetology exam!! Now I just have the written left...hopefully to be completed before this little bean graces us with his presence :P Michael and I celebrated our one year anniversary! My wonderful husband arranged a VERY relaxing weekend away- the only "away" I can do in my present state...to Denver! We spent the weekend working on our communication and our relationship, evaluating what worked and what didn't, what we can work on, and what we did well! Mostly, it was nice to just get away and agree not to talk about babies or weddings or work or family or friends. Mental "us" time, and it was perfect! You see, my big brother is getting married in less than 2 weeks! He and his fiancee lived with us for almost 2 months, and as great as it was having them here and getting to know them in a totally different way, it is nice to not have to hear about weddings every night :P David asked me almost every day, "Why do girls think the world starts and ends with weddings...why is it such a big deal?!" I kept telling him it doesn't have to be. He said I'm the only girl in the world who thinks that way. So please, women of the world, keep your hearts set on what God wants for your life, not what YOU want for your life, and dangnabbit please focus on the marriage, not just the wedding :)

But that brings me to my next portion of blogging... This weekend we had a birthday party for my sweet hubby and his new brother-in-law :) All our friends were invited, which was awesome because David has adopted them as his friends as well! We have some really great friends- some we don't see very often, but they show up just when we ask them to :) Some we see all the time, but don't show up when we ask. Some we see a few times a year, but are a top priority when it is possible. Some we keep in touch with over the phone, but see in person maybe every 3 or 4 years. All kinds of friends. And then it hits us... we are supposed to make new friends. We are called to live in community with one another, and it really does take a village to raise a marriage, let alone a child! So the question we've been pondering...how exactly DOES one go about making true and lasting friendships in this day and age? Michael went to school in the same place his whole life, and pretty much had the same group of friends. I always kind of adopted friends doing whatever I was doing (sports, choir, clubs, etc). But when it comes down to it...how do you MAKE friends? And then begs the question...how do you make family?

We have been very blessed over the past 3 years of our dating relationship (celebrating 3 years Dec 1 ;) to be able to get to know our wonderful in-laws. Michael and I are finally at a place where we feel like we are part of each other's extended family. I love having weekly chats with the elder Hankins, and even hang out and talk with them when Michael is not around :X My dad is already plotting to steal Michael away while we are in California, and Gramsie is excited to hang out with him while I am busy with bridesmaid shenanigans. He and David hang out all the time, going on disc golf outings or just to grab a bite to eat, or sometimes I find them just sitting and chatting for hours :) Melts my heart! So...how did that happen?! And with this wedding comes a new sister-in-law... how do two women REALLY become sisters, to which it feels like sisters? My sister-in-law I was blessed enough to inherit last October will be moving back to the States next month... how do we make it feel like we are sisters as well? I've never had a sister. I have a brother, and his friends, and Michael, and his friends. I have close friends that feel like sisters, but most of them have been friends with me for a long, long time. What, exactly, is sisterhood anyway? Is it that feeling you get when you have someone you're related to, but you don't have to hang out? Is it that camraderie and feeling of sameness you get with some people? Is it those girls with whom you bicker and nag and love each other anyway? Is it the girlfriends that will come over and start cooking in your kitchen like they own it? The Bible is chalked full of brotherhood and family ties by birth...but what about the womenfolk? And even yet, what does that look like when both women are working and running their own households from a distance? How do they share parents when they are both visiting? How do they interact when they are both living the life they never thought they wanted? And for once, I'm okay not knowing these answers. I focus on serving and loving others, including family and friends, and those that we hope become family and friends someday. I focus on Jesus, and the rest seems to fall into place... :)