Shout it out

Have you ever just wanted to scream? At people? I personally am not a loud person- sure, I talk firmly, but pretty much never yell. Friends and family yell at bad drivers, at neighbors, at kids to get their attention. I can't be loud. But, this pregnancy has changed me in many ways. Now I WANT to yell sometimes. I've been more honest with people that I've ever been in my life, sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. My mom says I'm being sassy. My husband says I'm just being honest. I think it comes from some sort of instinctual need to protect my young who cannot speak for himself. or. something like that. :P But the most noticeable thing I want to shout from the rooftops is that "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!". When we're shopping in a store and someone gets mad at the person working the cash register, so much so that they leave their child stranded in a cart...does it really matter? Sometimes I want to scream at myself, too. When I worry too much about what others think and how they will interact with our little family, or big family, or how to be sensitive to this person, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

So, then, what does matter? What, if anything, is worth screaming for? How do you see someone struggling with something that doesn't matter, and help them, for them? How do you help them, not for yourself? If someone is believing lies from this world, but it isn't IMMEDIATELY or PHYSICALLY hurting, is it even our job to help? Is that what God calls us to, or does He call us to lead the person closer to Him so that He can correct the path? And what if it is more serious- what if a person is believing lies from the world that are pulling a blanket over their eyes, interfering with their immediate interactions with the world, possibly ruining relationships and his or her future? What about ourselves, our spouses, our children? Is it our duty, then, to speak out?

I am fully convinced that we are called to speak in truth to one another, even when it hurts, even to ourselves. When we do not bring up problems, they only get bigger, and NEVER go away by themselves. But we can't just shout it out. But we can't merely whisper to ourselves or our closest friends. We head straight on, direct course to the person, and hear their heart, with our minds and our own hearts.

practice, practice, practice

Well, as we speak I have been having contractions on and off for the past 2 days. They don't hurt, they are just kind of interesting. But as long as they are working and doing what they are supposed to, I'm completely okay with that :) I'm realizing God has us practice for things when we least expect or know it...

Learning to listen and obey parents when we were little is definitely practice for listening and obeying God-- even though sometimes these days my parents' words and Gods seem to conflict. Making and continuing friendships over the years has been great practice for life, business, school, and now marriage. Being friends with guys has been great practice for dating, and dating, great practice for marriage (and dating my hubby within marriage!). Learning to finish homework (especially for online self-paced classes) is good practice for life-getting to-do lists done and finishing stuff around the house. Learning to be a part of someone else's family has been good practice welcoming new members to our family :) And now, being pregnant has been really good practice for marriage. And learning to wait for this labor thing has been really good practice for life in Godliness.

I'm not saying that having a baby is like following God...although maybe it is! God placed this child inside of me, and no matter how much Michael and I fought the idea of him, he was still there, just growing and taking what he needed from me :) Its amazing to think about. God provided the extra blood and oxygen and food supply for this little fellow, through me alone. But He did it. I think that's kind of how it is with our lives. God has a plan for each of us. Whether or not we know it or agree with it, he carefully picks and provides just what we need at each step, no matter how much we fight it or try to sabotage it. The life I am living in the world right now is in NO way how I envisioned my life at age 23. I imagined I would be back in California, going through the worst part of med school right now. I imagined I would be dating an athlete of some sort. I imagined not being terribly close with my brother, but with our extended family as before. Whew, God really can throw some curveballs. Instead, I am very happily married to the geek of my dreams, as a licensed cosmetologist, in Colorado Springs, pregnant with our first child, whom I will stay home with until he is in school. My brother and his WIFE live close by, while our extended family lives thousands of miles away and I get to see maybe twice a year. We have created our own little family. We have created our own little community. It changes constantly, but it is here and it is from God.

Speaking of being here... My wonderful husband just convinced me to call the doctor. We shall see what today brings, but we know that it will be perfect for us, and it will be just from God, kicking and screaming alike :)

How to make friends...and family

Well, its been another few months...time for another blog?!

There has been a lot on my mind for quite some time. I have been busy fighting my monsters, and I have the best teammates a girl could ask for :) God has defeated my enemies, except only the little ones in my own little head. I finally put aside my pride and trusted God and passed my practical Cosmetology exam!! Now I just have the written left...hopefully to be completed before this little bean graces us with his presence :P Michael and I celebrated our one year anniversary! My wonderful husband arranged a VERY relaxing weekend away- the only "away" I can do in my present state...to Denver! We spent the weekend working on our communication and our relationship, evaluating what worked and what didn't, what we can work on, and what we did well! Mostly, it was nice to just get away and agree not to talk about babies or weddings or work or family or friends. Mental "us" time, and it was perfect! You see, my big brother is getting married in less than 2 weeks! He and his fiancee lived with us for almost 2 months, and as great as it was having them here and getting to know them in a totally different way, it is nice to not have to hear about weddings every night :P David asked me almost every day, "Why do girls think the world starts and ends with weddings...why is it such a big deal?!" I kept telling him it doesn't have to be. He said I'm the only girl in the world who thinks that way. So please, women of the world, keep your hearts set on what God wants for your life, not what YOU want for your life, and dangnabbit please focus on the marriage, not just the wedding :)

But that brings me to my next portion of blogging... This weekend we had a birthday party for my sweet hubby and his new brother-in-law :) All our friends were invited, which was awesome because David has adopted them as his friends as well! We have some really great friends- some we don't see very often, but they show up just when we ask them to :) Some we see all the time, but don't show up when we ask. Some we see a few times a year, but are a top priority when it is possible. Some we keep in touch with over the phone, but see in person maybe every 3 or 4 years. All kinds of friends. And then it hits us... we are supposed to make new friends. We are called to live in community with one another, and it really does take a village to raise a marriage, let alone a child! So the question we've been pondering...how exactly DOES one go about making true and lasting friendships in this day and age? Michael went to school in the same place his whole life, and pretty much had the same group of friends. I always kind of adopted friends doing whatever I was doing (sports, choir, clubs, etc). But when it comes down to it...how do you MAKE friends? And then begs the question...how do you make family?

We have been very blessed over the past 3 years of our dating relationship (celebrating 3 years Dec 1 ;) to be able to get to know our wonderful in-laws. Michael and I are finally at a place where we feel like we are part of each other's extended family. I love having weekly chats with the elder Hankins, and even hang out and talk with them when Michael is not around :X My dad is already plotting to steal Michael away while we are in California, and Gramsie is excited to hang out with him while I am busy with bridesmaid shenanigans. He and David hang out all the time, going on disc golf outings or just to grab a bite to eat, or sometimes I find them just sitting and chatting for hours :) Melts my heart! So...how did that happen?! And with this wedding comes a new sister-in-law... how do two women REALLY become sisters, to which it feels like sisters? My sister-in-law I was blessed enough to inherit last October will be moving back to the States next month... how do we make it feel like we are sisters as well? I've never had a sister. I have a brother, and his friends, and Michael, and his friends. I have close friends that feel like sisters, but most of them have been friends with me for a long, long time. What, exactly, is sisterhood anyway? Is it that feeling you get when you have someone you're related to, but you don't have to hang out? Is it that camraderie and feeling of sameness you get with some people? Is it those girls with whom you bicker and nag and love each other anyway? Is it the girlfriends that will come over and start cooking in your kitchen like they own it? The Bible is chalked full of brotherhood and family ties by birth...but what about the womenfolk? And even yet, what does that look like when both women are working and running their own households from a distance? How do they share parents when they are both visiting? How do they interact when they are both living the life they never thought they wanted? And for once, I'm okay not knowing these answers. I focus on serving and loving others, including family and friends, and those that we hope become family and friends someday. I focus on Jesus, and the rest seems to fall into place... :)

4 words

Well, after many life changes, accomplishments, and times of sorrow and joy, 4 words keep repeatedly coming to mind: Deal with your Issues!

Some say that ignorance is bliss. And it can be. But then you return to reality and realize nothing happened, nothing changed, but your TEMPORARY perspective. What we really need to change is our more permanent perspective. One of my sweet little Santa Barbara cousins is a pillbug. He only slightly remembers me every time he sees me, so when I talk to him, he closes his eyes. Just for a minute, he thinks that I cannot see him. It's cute. But how often do we do this to life itself? To God? To our own internal wars? We think that if we just close our eyes, it will disappear. Sometimes we turn around, or go for a walk, or even run away...only to find that the monsters are still talking to us.

Recently I got a chance to catch up with a friend who went to Japan with us this last time. While we were there, she couldn't stop thinking about this boy that she had broken up with back home, her family and their problems, what she was going to do after she graduated college, where she would live, and what she would eat. LITERALLY! "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Matthew 6:25 Facing my monster number 1.When we are in the US, we worried about our fundraising and what to pack and what it would be like. Once we got there, we worried about life back home and about life once we returned. She hated life the whole time we were there. But now that we're home, she is looking into becoming a missionary. It would be easier for her to move overseas to deal with the issues that come with that instead of facing her monsters here.

There is another couple in our small group that desperately wants kids. Every month there is much prayer and petitioning to get pregnant. And so far, no baby. Every week we come together and ask for prayer in aspects of our lives, and every week we pretend to face our monsters. One time the prayer was that they could just get pregnant, that would make all their worry go away. That if they just got pregnant, their marriage and interpersonal and money monsters would just go away, just for a little bit.

Michael and I have been facing our own monsters lately. We have been seeing a financial planner, which is a very interesting experience for two savers. Monster number three. Now that baby boy is moving and squirming around, I am supposed to monitor if his movement decreases. I can't just close my eyes or forget how many times he has kicked. I can't just go out for drinks with friends and tend to pregnancy business when I get home. Monster 4. Are we ready for a baby? I don't think anyone can ever be fully ready. But we sure are excited to grow this little guy and meet him when the time comes :) And we're excited to provide for him and love him and nurture him to be a wonderful, independent, Godly man :) Now, all the interpersonal stuff that comes along with having the first baby? Heck no. Worrying about how people will feel or how they will react? Heck no. Trusting others that they won't lose my little boy in a museum or let him drown at the pool? Heck no. Monster 5. Sure, I could keep this little guy to myself and just send pictures to everyone. Sure, I could read him all the books and tell him how to be social and deal with others. Sure, I could feed him all the best food and keep him on the best schedule. Sure, I could focus on exercise and rest and ice and elevating for the next three months. Sure, I could realize that we got pregnant and that is the biggest feat for some people. Sure, we could keep moving around to avoid getting close to people, holding them at a distance. Sure, I could continually worry about issues that are NOT right in front of me. It would be very easy to do, for a while. But when I open my eyes, I don't want to face 5 monsters alone.

I believe we are called to more than that. I believe we are to share our lives, good and the bad, with people. Our ministry leader in college always said that 3 things will last: God, His Word, and people. Our actions, our accomplishments, and our goals won't last. It won't matter what we had in our hearts to do. It won't matter how many years we did this or that, or how our hearts felt. It will matter how much time and energy we spent with God. It will matter how much we really searched His Words and knew his character. It will matter how we treated his people and helped them. If we have great faith and great scholar knowledge of the Bible, but are not close to His people, we are nothing. If we read the Bible and tell people, but don't have a personal relationship with God, we are nothing. If we pray and spend time with God and people, but don't take the time to "listen" to God by reading the Bible, we are nothing. Easy to do. But not a monster. This is our purpose, this is our flashlight to look under the bed to beat the monsters. Trust God. Deal with your issues.

how to love

Well, a while has passed, and once again...big news! We are expecting a little bundle of joy around Thanksgiving of this year :) What a year! Since we were doing everything in our power to NOT get pregnant, this news caught us, and everyone around us, extremely off-guard. Everyone we tell has the same "Well, I guess it was meant to be!" response. Well, not everyone. This Sunday, a verse really stuck out to me while all this turbulence is going on. Psalm 37: 3-5 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this".

It's easy to trust and dwell and enjoy safeness. It's easy to enjoy life as fun and successful college students- and then a wonderful man wants to "ruin" all that safety and date you. And then you enjoy a safe dating life, and he wants to marry you. And then you enjoy a safe marriage, and you get pregnant. All of a sudden, not only is your life not "safe" anymore, but you feel like you are solely responsible for a new life... for the rest of your life. Don't eat this, eat more of this, don't go to this place, don't do that, or your risk of miscarriage increases greatly. One of the thoughts that really helped us get our heads around the idea of having a small child at what we consider a young age, is all the friends and grievances that we have encountered personally with people wanting to have kids, but not being physically able to. And we praise God that we do not have to struggle with that right now. We were delighting in our plans, in our dreams, in our version of safety, not God. A thought that came to me this week was to figure out what truly delighting in the Lord means, and what those desires of the heart might someday be. What if God came back tomorrow.... would I be sad that I did not have the chance to have kids? Would my friends or family be sad that they did not have time to get married or fix relationships with others, take a certain vacation, or have a certain vocation? If I am truly delighting in the Lord, none of that else matters in comparison. I will no longer be so focused on planning the rest of my life, but enjoying today, right now. Recently we found out a friend of ours has a baby who was born with Down's Syndrome. If I am delighting in the Lord, that child will pale in comparison to the Glory of knowing God and loving Him. If I am truly aligned with and delighting in God, the desires of my heart will be to grow closer to him, not any earthly plans that have anything to do with people or actions or successes. As for me and my house, we will dwell in this unforeseen land and enjoy this safe pasture. Until we meet another safe pasture <3

Opportunity for joy...opportunistic

God is an opportunistic God. Pretty much weekly, I realize that Michael and I could have very easily missed each other- if he stayed in CA, or I stayed in CA, we wouldn't know each other. I would probably be in medicine, and he...who knows! God takes, and asks us to take, every opportunity. Since we have joined a small group of young married folks through our church, we have been studying what Community really means, and how to achieve just that. Since graduating and starting cosmetology school and getting married, people really do treat you differently. Many times, we will call up friends and ask them to come hang out, and they might reply, "It's okay, you guys need your alone married time." Bummer. Since I do hair, nails, waxing, and facials, many of my friends from UCCS come get services done, which I absolutely love! But the problem arises when that is the only time we hang out. Bummer deaux. But, God seeks new opportunities every day, and so should we! Since joining the small group, we have hung out with two of the couples a few times, and look forward to doubledating a few more soon! We have gotten to know some friends from a few years ago that are back in town, which is absolutely great as well! I have some amazing clients that I have been practicing opening up with...and boy, do people need to talk! It's amazing how asking such a simple question as, "How is life treating you these days?" can have such an impact on someone's heart, including my own. I have been very blessed to start hanging out with one of the ladies from small group pretty frequently, and she is very good at getting to heart matters-something I desperately need!

Speaking of heart matters... It has been very difficult for me lately being so far away from family. I haven't been home since the wedding in October, and I miss those Hamman family birthday parties, seeing the cousins grow up. Thankfully, my brother David has been able to visit us a few times, and seems to enjoy it. What a blessing! He and his fiancee, Kim, are trying to move here this summer. HUGE! We have cousins that live in Denver (well, mom's cousins) and have kids, but we're excited to have another new couple that is actually family around for those day-to-day living life together things :) What an opportunity!

So I guess what I'm saying is... God makes opportunities for us. It is completely up to us to engage and take Him up on them :) Amen!