No pain, no gain.

I'm sure we've all heard this expression before. It means we must experience some pain before we can win anything-- usually with sports, that hurting just makes you stronger and more likely to win a game. But what about in life? I used to think emotions, like pain, were bad. Crying showed you were weak; anxiety showed you were irresponsible. I read somewhere a few years ago, though, that pain is a signal to the body that something is wrong. Emotions, like pain, are a sign to the mind that something is wrong. It is when we ignore or repress these emotions or feelings of pain, however, that we get burned-- literally or figuratively! Sometimes, I do admit, we women are crazy and will feel sad for no apparent reason... but is it really for NO reason? I personally think women are crazy, but not for the reason you think. I think we women are crazy because it is hard to accept that someone loves us unconditionally, passionately, wants to be with us always, loves us no matter what, wants what is best for us, and encourages us to be better but loves us exactly as we are. It is hard to accept that God is like that, not men. Over and over this trip I've learned just how much I try to avoid thinking about these things. When I feel anxious or even bored, I will watch a movie, listen to music, read, or even try to find someone to talk to, JUST so that I don't have to listen to what is going on in my head. I think it is really common for us to feel that way, that if we sit still and start to think about our problems, that would be just like opening a can of worms, worms that might possibly kill us. I believe that God is all-powerful, all-good, all-knowing, and all-around wonderful, but why do I have a hard time trusting that it would benefit me the most to face my giants? Well, I've decided to face them. If I want to move on with my life and start a family someday (don't worry dad, still not that soon), I need to face my issues and work through them, fighting with God if I have to. "Faith without actions is dead". I believe that God is in control, so I must act like God will take care of me. That means not being afraid of thinking about my past and the inner workings of my brain.

Speaking of God's sovereignty... tonight really blew me away. My ankle got a lot worse after last night (the baseball game, see previous post), and I really started to wonder why I'm still here for the next 3 weeks. Should I just go home? I can pray from anywhere. God is showing me, over and over again, that my "spiritual gifts" or just talents in general are ONLY a gift from God, and should be used in EVERYTHING to serve God. For example, when I first hurt my ankle, it freed me to write the Bible discussions. They were really, really effective and started a new way of thinking for BEST club. The next week, I started praying for Meg and Naoko when they would go eat lunch or have coffee with girls. As soon as I got over myself and my "gift" of drawing people out of their shells, the girls started talking about their lives, opening up, and asking questions about M/N's lives and their beliefs about spiritual things. So I thought I had the "gift" of prayer, so I would pray almost continually, about everything. I would pray that we wouldn't burn dinner, that no one would get in a bike accident, that test results would come out okay, that the kids playing outside would grow up to love their parents. And the list goes on and on! Well, ew made a disaster out of dinner, Rob got sick, there was another bike accident, and my ankle got worse. Tonight, Ai was coming over to hang out before BEST club. Megumi and I got together to talk about what we wanted to talk about, what to share, etc. I wanted to focus on just getting to know her, before we intentionally start talking about the Bible. Talk about not acting in belief of God's sovereignty! As soon as everyone else left, and Megumi went to get a car to give me a ride, Ai brought up the Bible and started asking questions about my life and my religion and my beliefs (I should really post that on here sometime, it's interesting, I think. Maybe not what you'd expect). I showed up to BEST club expecting to just teach the game, English, and then ask questions about the Bible discussion but mostly pray for the conversation. Talk about not trusting God's sovereignty! Tonight each section led to Jesus. By the end of it, the student was wanting to know about Jesus, what it means to have eternal life, and what the Bible says it would take to get that. Talk about exciting!! It was like something came over me, I don't know where the words came from, but apparently it was exactly what the student needed to hear. At the end of the discussion, I asked what his last thoughts were about this semester. He said Jesus is very wonderous, and it's no wonder so many people choose to follow him even today. He said he wants to be like Jesus. Well, Kazu, I want to be like Jesus too.